ONE fellow had sought my advice on how he could become a candidate in the 2011 elections. He was hoping one of the major political parties will notice him, be impressed by his credentials and then invite him to lead the process of change in his constituency. He has a Masters degree, many years of experience in the private sector; he spent 15 years in the United States, he has seen the world literally. He is comfortable, and he thinks he is the kind of knowledgeable and articulate person that can make a difference either as a Governor or a member of the National Assembly.I had to tell the fellow to stop dreaming! There may be some countries in the world where some individuals are specially invited to come and serve in a public capacity because of their sterling credentials, but certainly not in Nigeria. I asked him: does he belong to any political party? No.
Does he know the grassroots politicians in his ward, including the ward chairman, deputy chairman, councilors (old and new), the local cults, the witches and the wizards, the pastors and the imams, the Chairman of the Landlords Association, and particularly the area boys?
Has he ever been to their houses, bought marijuana and local gin for the area boys, tubers of yam and bags of rice for the big men? No. No. No. He thinks the local people are too mercantile, and he would rather not descend so low. “I see, I see,” I muttered, shaking my head. Does he have a Godfather, and if not, has he identified one? “No,” he said. He wanted to start a long story about how he had lived in the United States, how he was a volunteer for the Bill Clinton Presidential campaign; something about his passion to transform Nigeria, and how he wants to make his own modest contribution because he believes Africa is the last frontier… I promptly told him to keep his imported ideas of politics to himself. The culture here is different. I recommended to him a crash course in Nigerian Politics 101 and 102 combined.
Nobody goes to anyone’s home to invite them to join politics and represent the community. With Nigerian lawmakers in Abuja earning as much as N40 million per month, and elected officials at other levels: Governors, House of Assembly lawmakers, councilors - all making a fortune out of politics, anyone who is hoping that his talents will be discovered by existing politicians is merely hallucinating. Why should anyone invite you, when they also want to make money for themselves and their families? These days, even carpenters are ready to put up a billboard and seek party tickets to go to the National Assembly, if they can.
To become a professional politician, you simply have to join a party, collect a membership card, and get well known in your ward, the state and the party. You have to start much earlier though; you shouldn’t wait till all the possible positions have been shared. Oh yes, the positions are allocated long before the election by party chieftains. And for you to be considered for such allocations, you need certain guarantees.
The best guarantee is to be the son, daughter, nephew, niece, cousin, in-law, wife or mistress… of an influential politician. With that, you don’t need to do or say anything. The influential power broker, after many years of wheeling and dealing already knows the territory of Nigerian politics. He will smuggle you in there, and if you lose, he can still arrange an appointment for you. If you fall into this category, you only need to make appearances during election campaigns, print posters and pretend to be smart enough on your own merit.
Lucky fellow, you can become Governor, Minister, Commissioner, Senator, House of Reps member, Board Chairman… Your Godfather has bought that space for you, by being a member of the in-crowd of the Nigerian political establishment. Your strongest credential is that you are related to him by blood or marriage. Why should he use his goodwill for the benefit of other people’s children when his own children also have Masters and Ph.D? You will be expected in the future to do the same for your own children and other relations. It is better to keep the business within the family. Get that straight: politics is a business enterprise, a capital investment in Nigeria.
You don’t have a Godfather? Please, you must cultivate one or get out of politics. Just identify a power broker with a record of achievement in politics and throw yourself under his wings. But don’t just join any political party. You must choose wisely. It is better to go with a political party that is popular in your area, and likely to win elections. All those foreign ideas about ideology and principles don’t work here. You can always change your party, as soon as it can no longer win elections in your constituency or it does not offer you want you want. You can always change your Godfather too. And if you are lucky, you could become very influential within the state or community, and gain an opportunity to dethrone the Godfather, and become the boss in due course. But you must bid your time.
Politics in Nigeria is a very complex game: it doesn’t require any sacred beliefs or ideology. Don’t forget: this is about power, not your abilities or your commitment to the common good. While serving out your apprenticeship, you are expected to kow-tow to the Godfather. You must show that you can be relied upon to do the Godfathers’ bidding. If you have any original ideas, keep them to yourself. What do you know? The Godfather and his inner circle know it all. If you show any sign of independence, your political career will end even before it starts.
If you are rich, you must be seen to be generous to the Godfather and the party, but don’t upstage the Boss. If you are not rich, you can be useful in other ways. Be ready to run errands. Hang around. Some really ambitious young men report to the Godfather’s house every morning; they close for the day only when he goes to bed. You can be summoned at any hour; learn to smile a lot and say “Yes sir.” Get your wife to become a friend of the Godfather’s wife. Through her, you can exert quiet behind-the-scenes influence.
Godfathers don’t like liabilities. Demonstrate some potential. Try and get popular in your local area. Show the Godfather that you are also learning the ropes. Visit your ward regularly. Give the ward people money. Buy gifts for their wives. Attend naming ceremonies, weddings and funerals. Go to local drinking joints and declare free booze. Get close to the area boys, and make sure they know you are now a politician and who your Godfather is. Soon, you will acquire some name recognition. That helps. Of what use is a politician who has no following among local thugs? With time, you too should be able to boast about “the boys” under your control. The Godfather will be impressed.
He knows you are his boy and that your boys know that you are his boy: he is the Boss of all bosses. He expects you to tell your boys that he is the real masquerade. The day you begin to get high on your own supply, the same Godfather will find a rival for you in your own constituency. Or you may be ordered to step down. Politics is a game, not charity. The Godfather is investing; he expects returns. Play along. Or maybe this time around, you didn’t get any party ticket. You are expected to remain loyal nevertheless. If the party wins, you could be rewarded with a public appointment: Commissioner, Board Chairman, Minister, Director General of an agency, or a Special Assistant/Adviser.
It is a great opportunity and you are expected to make the best use of it. Some smart guys in the past have used such positions to make themselves very relevant. A certain level of notoriety may also help. Use the position to promote yourself with the public, while pretending to be better than everyone else. Who knows? In the next election, you could suddenly show up as a Presidential candidate or a Senatorial aspirant. Nobody is going to ask questions. They know you already. It is your luck.
You have done well, brother, you have now been given the opportunity to be a candidate in the 2011 elections. You have been given the party’s flag. How did you get here? Never forget that. Your Godfather asked some better qualified persons to step down for you. They are angry, they have gone to other political parties and they are prepared to sabotage you. They believe they are better qualified. They think it is the turn of their political zone, ethnic group, or family to produce the next candidate for that position and that they have been cheated.
You and your “political family” – your relationship with the godfather is non-linear, it involves other stakeholders - have managed to stay ahead by buying up voters cards during the voters’ registration exercise. In 2011, INEC introduced the idea of thumb-printing and computer registration. They think they are smart. But your cabal has bought up the cards, and taken down the names and addresses of the voters on your pay roll. You have to remain in touch with them till election day. On D-Day, your party will organise transportation to the polling booth, feeding and financial assistance for the voters. You have bribed the Resident Electoral Commissioner.
You have taken care of the election officials with a promise of more to come. Your party thugs are on standby. They have been equipped for the war ahead. It is the UN that calls it an election, in Africa it is war. That is why in Cote d’Ivoire, Laurent Gbagbo, a Professor of History and his supporters are insisting that the only alternative to their being dislodged from power is a full blown civil war. You still have to go out there and campaign, though. The Godfather(s) will lead the campaign. But if you are a Presidential or Gubernatorial candidate, you’d get a chance to do and say a lot more than others. Print and distribute posters. Erect billboards. Make sure you look handsome in the photograph.
And if you have a big tummy, hide it. People are turned off by ugly faces. They may think the first thing you’d do when you get to office is to steal public funds to go and do a plastic surgery. Engage the services of a good photographer and try out many attires. There is something called photo-shop. The photographer knows what to do. In this age of technology, you can be made to look handsome. Have a fashion code. Introduce a unique element to your wardrobe. But don’t dress like “a rascal” or “a drunken sailor fisherman”.
Tell the electorate that you are not really interested in a position, you are happy running your successful business and that by accepting to run for public office, in response to pressures from every quarter, you are in fact taking a pay cut and your businesses are likely to suffer. In fact, you won’t spend more than a term of four years in office. Don’t bother, in four years time, nobody will remember and if they do, abuse journalists for quoting you out of context. Religion helps. The people are impressed by it. Start going to church regularly, attend night vigils, ask the Pastors to pray for you, if possible, let them lay their hands on you and proclaim your anointment! Remember to do something for the church and the Pastor.
They expect you to pay for all the prayers. If you are a Muslim, go and learn some Quranic verses by rote and mouth them at every convenient opportunity. If you are too dumb to learn anything, then just learn to preface every speech with Bismillahi Rahamani Raheem and end it with Allahu Akbar. Know your constituency. Recruit media consultants. Let them put your pictures in the papers and make you look good. It does not matter that your involvement with the private sector in the United States was as a shop floor attendant at Macy’s for 15 years. You are now an international businessman! Cultivate traditional rulers.
They can be very good party agents - for a fee of course. Pay their children’s school fees. Send their wives abroad on holiday. They will soon give you chieftaincy titles. Collect as many as you can. Add as many prefixes as possible to your name: High Chief, Double Chief, even the commonest one will do: Otunba. Even Igbo politicians these days bear Otunba. Nobody is going to query you. Learn how to abuse your opponents. You don’t have to discuss programmes, just mount the soap box and threaten to wrestle your opponents to the ground, and crush them. Talk nicely about your Godfather, and remind them that their own Godfather is an ex-convict.
But before then, send your wife and children and your aged parents abroad until after the election. They could be kidnapped or assassinated by your enemies, to spite you. Opponents are enemies in Nigeria. Recruit bodyguards. You will also need an anti-bomb squad as part of your advance party. Don’t even get into a car until the anti-bomb squad has checked it. Never eat in public. Don’t even take a sip of water. You could be poisoned. Hold your campaigns inside enclosed spaces. Once you gather enough crowd, make sure all entrances and exits are locked. You can’t risk some of the audience walking out on you while you are making a speech, they may be double agents who have been paid by your enemies to ridicule you. Imprison them until they have served your purpose…By the way, join a secret society… For now, this is all you need. There are other pathways for another day…
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